On The Wires | Seventh Generation
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On The Wires

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Author: the Inkslinger

Our Top Stories Tonight… Needful World Seeks Informed Populace. Read here now and be the first on your block to know which way the global winds are blowing! Food dudes freaking out, bad hombres in the business world, clams gone wild, and more await...

Panicky food marketers all sweaty at the idea of a tumorous America awakening to the fact that too many alleged “foods” are made entirely out of space-age polymers have begun repositioning their processed products as incredible health foods. This according to a soundbite in Technicolored bastion of insightful journalism USA Today. Nominees for Most Hilariously Reimagined Product of 2006 include famed sugar water brand 7-Up, which, after a recent reformulation, now proudly proclaims itself to be “100 Natural!” New ads apparently directed at the sugar-rotted craniums of brain-dead Americans will show cans of the teeth-rotting, gut-expanding, diabetes-promoting, non-nutritive beverage being picked and pulled from the ground in an un-cola un-harvest of un-health. Un-believable…

Speaking of corporations playing Whack-a-Mole with all notions of common sense and decency, our good friends over at Multinational Monitor have just published their annual list of the 10 Worst Corporations of 2005. This year’s list of the best of the baddest corporate ghouls on the planet includes auto parts-maker Delphi, who used bankruptcy (financial not moral) as a tool to lower workers wages from a livable $27/hour to a would-you-like-fries-with-that $10/hour even as it proposed Twilight Zone-esque bonuses for the slime molds who pass as its management team. Also making the failing grade were the gluttonous savants at ExxonMobil, whose semi-human executives continues to insist that global warming’s "scientific evidence remains inconclusive." And what list of gaping flaming corporate sphincters would be complete without evil overlord Darth Vader’s very own Halliburton. According to the report, Satan’s favorite Texas-sized cancer on all that is good and pure in the world “has effectively made a business model of crooked dealing with the U.S. Government.” Time to give Alcatraz a fresh coat of paint and send a few CEOs on an all-expenses-paid trip to contemplate the black empty holes where their souls used to be.

Halliburton may be making mucho clams off a complicit federal government packed with its pals, but in England the big story concerns real clams in real trouble. An article in the British newspaper the Guardian says scientists were shell-shocked to discover that confused clams in estuaries stretching from Southampton to the Severn now display characteristics of both sexes. According to research published in the journal Biology Letters , the testes of theoretically male mollusks studied by researchers in the region were found to contain both sperm and eggs. In some areas as many as 60% of the population was affected by the problem, which scientists believe is resulting from exposure to toxic chemicals that mimic hormones. We don’t know about you, but we spot a hot new fashion trend: unisex swimwear that doubles as a Haz-Mat suit

Lost in the worry about male clams a little too in touch with their feminine sides is a discussion about whether or not we even need the chemicals that are causing this and other mayhem on both a cellular and global scale. A report from the Center for American Progress suggests that unhealthy chemicals are easier to replace with safer substitutes than a pathologically reticent chemical industry has been able to admit to anyone but its psychiatrist. According to the study, Preventing Toxic Terrorism, How Some Chemical Facilities Are Removing Danger to American Communities, at least 225 industrial plants in the U.S. have switched out the hazardous chemicals they use for less dangerous alternatives since the 9/11 terrorist attacks. (Holy healthier world, Batman! Can it be?) The effort suggests that reducing or (*gasp*) even eliminating our nation’s addiction to synthetic toxins in the estimated remaining 13,775 industrial facilities that use them is quite possible. So much for the anguished greed-tinged howls of indignation that industry trade groups emit whenever we suggest that private profits needn’t necessarily be sacrificed for public safety. Say it with us you crazy Chem Co. execs: I-think-I can-I-think-I-can-I think-I-can…