April 21, 2007, New York, NY― Success breeds uncertainty. One might think of success as a confirmation of the path one has chosen to travel down. A sign of well made choices or an affirmation that one is headed in the right direction. Yet, there is no right direction, only the making of the direction you have chosen or have happened upon at that particular moment in time. This is something I am prone to forget.
Spring has been subsumed by the beginning of summer. Spring barely had a chance to slowly warm the frozen ground and ease tulip bulbs up through the melting snow and the remnants of fall’s leaves. Just as it began to awaken, spring was overtaken by summer. I’m not quite ready for summer. After winter lingered late into what would have been spring, with snowflakes and endless dark and cloudy days, it was, as it is today, already hot.
I am prone to a restless reflection that wonders not if I’m generally headed in the right direction, but if the steps taken down the path are thoughtfully chosen enough. As I wander through the maze, did I miss a shortcut? As I place my hand on the lever that steers my mind in one direction or another, I wonder: is there a lever I’m not seeing that imparts greater force? That will lead to greater impact? Or perhaps even to greater impact quicker?
But why is greater or more impact always better? Because the earth is warming and people are dying in Darfur. So we must do more. But how can I remember that even though I must do more, I am also doing enough? That this moment is quite perfect. That this moment is the peace within the storm that leads to the calm. And that thinking this moment, a moment of which no more of it’s kind will ever be made again, should be anything other than what it is is to steal from it and to lose it.
I forget to remember. I forget to remember so much of what was so hard to learn.